So that did it. I figured if my head is daymaring old car accident scenes it’s past time to take on the source of that stress and answer my own admonition. I’d already put in most of the work but there were a few things on that ballot I needed to learn more about first and decide on.

(Really? A guy in LA made tens of millions off a loophole for charities and made himself a slumlord and fought building better and something about a stadium and paid for repeating defeated ballot propositions as a hobby so there’s ‘the revenge proposition’ about his AIDS foundation regarding rent control? We need Tim Walz over here. Say it with me, Tim: Weird!)

Arizona’s ballot made the front page for being two pages long, front and back–it was going to hold up the lines!

Beginners. Ours was three like that. That’s normal. What it does is tell the voters to do their homework ahead of time so as not to waste anyone else’s. (Pretty much a moot point now that our ballots are mailed to everyone.)

It felt contagiously good to go through all that and declare it ready, so Richard sat down with his.

Prop 34 was the weird one. It should have been fixed by the legislature–you know, where different ideas get hashed out, justifications get shot down, motivations get holes poked in them, compromises made, and tax- and ratepayers’ money gets looked after. Supposedly.

We checked fronts and backs multiple times making sure we’d filled out every single thing correctly. The envelope, too. Card A, I went back and looked at one more time.

Kamala Harris. My filled-out oval beside her name. I held that in my hands and eyes and just let it wash over me.

There was a woman my age reading all the print all over the ballot boxes trying to make sure she was doing this right, a little flustered as I approached at being caught in her uncertainty, afraid of potentially doing anything wrong but quickly letting go of that as she saw my face and laughing for joy with me as we saw our ballots, our precious precious at-long-last votes, our declarations of democracy and hopes for all we hold dear to continue as they slowly slid down inside those slots out of sight.

A neighbor. I have no idea who she is, all I know is if we ever see each other again we will most likely throw our arms around each other in recognition of all that that moment had meant.

And then I went home, found this, and watched Kamala Harris’s speech at the Ellipse, starting at one hour twelve.

That. That was a speech of unity for the ages. That is my future President. That is what I did my part to help come to be. I can’t wait.

The joy!

It’s one of my very earliest memories. I was in the far back of the station wagon (there were no seatbelts there in those days) and I was being thrown around the inside of the car–the roof and I were not supposed to come at each other like that–along with the other kids and I didn’t LIKE it and my daddy was in control of the whole world and I didn’t understand why was he doing this and I was mad. Stop it right now!

A brake cable had snapped and wrapped around an axle (did I get that right, Mom?) and suddenly we were doing a 360 at full speed on the freeway and going over an embankment. Mom remembers the gasoline tanker we missed by inches. My oldest sister remembers the petting zoo we fell into at the bottom where we kids were entertained by the animals as we waited for help. The trucker went on to the nearest phone he could find to call the police to tell them a family had just died back there.

But we hadn’t; somehow we went on with our cross-country trip after that. I wonder what the car looked like. I have no idea.

I wondered tonight why those very old images had come to mind and had to stop a moment to puzzle it out.

I had just read Jeff Bezos’ new editorial: the one wherein he claims himself as a fellow journalist to the Post and proceeds to gaslight both his readers and quite possibly himself, but with obvious discrepancies between his story and Lewis’s. Lies from the both of them, but Bezos might even half-believe them. Right after Trump held an actual Nazi-wannabe rally.

It’s like Bezos had just cut that brake cord himself while we the voters and the honorable reporters are trying to control that wheel and guide where our car lands as it careens out of control.

We can still steer this to safety, though. They can’t take that away from us–yet.

Not now, not ever. We can do this. VOTE.

The Washington Post reinstated my paid-for weeks on my subscription, which means I got to read Dana Milbank’s essay today arguing passionately for the paper he loves. He didn’t say out loud, Boycott Amazon instead, but he’s right, I do still want to support the 18 signatories on their protest to their employer. And I will always want to read them.

Meantime, that reaction flattened me for a second day, which has never happened before. Glad I got the shot, glad I don’t have to do it again, and the case of Marie Callender’s chicken pot pie soup I bought for earthquake emergency supplies? (You know, veggies, protein, a bit of liquid, zero prep necessary.) The rest can go right back into that storage closet because it would take a lot more than that for me to say I’m that sick.

An updated pneumonia vaccine and the RSV vaccine yesterday and today lots of sleep happened.

Recovering.

I checked: of the 18 columnists at the Washington Post who have now signed onto the public protest page against Bezos’ and Williams’ decision to kowtow to Trump the day after Trump met with Bezos–

–note that then-President Trump retaliated against the Post’s coverage by yanking a government contract with Amazon, which Biden later restored–

–only two of those writers had columns today.

One was news on the Middle East escalations.

The other, bless her, was satirist Alexandra Petri speaking up. To quote her:

“But if I were the paper, I would be a little embarrassed that it has fallen to me, the humor columnist, to make our presidential endorsement. I will spare you the suspense: I am endorsing Kamala Harris for president, because I like elections and want to keep having them.”

What is happening to all the others?

(I went to make sure that link was right and I got told I’ve been unsubscribed. I’ve been charged for two more weeks and was told yesterday specifically what date my subscription ran to. So not cool, WaPo, not cool.)

I picked up my friend Karen and we headed down the freeway towards Andy’s Orchard. As we were talking, I said, well, my potassium’s always low–to the point they actually treated it for awhile, awhile ago–and one of the best sources of potassium in food is dried apricots. By far, compared to, say, bananas. (Side chatter about stocking up for the winter on this trip.) So it’s not just food, it’s medicine, right? Hey, when life gives you an excuse to do what you want to do anyway…

She laughed.

I was hoping for Comice pears, too, but they were out today.

So, she asked me, standing in front of the recently-dried varieties: regular, premium, slab. How do you know what’s what?

The slabs are the ones that were so perfectly ripe they went smush when they cut them open. Those regulars? Nice and round and pretty. The slabs? Sweet and melting in texture with no added sugar but the shape is ‘gone splat.’ They are perfect.

Turns out it was her son Andy’s birthday. I was his Sunday School teacher back when he was ten, and now he’s ‘the answer to life, the universe, and everything‘ (MIT link with happy mathematicians) per Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. (It appears the answer really IS 42!)

Got her back home. I opened my car door, went around to the back and of course I pulled out a pound from me. Go celebrate with Andy for me, willya? Tell him I said happy birthday. He was always one of my favorites.

I was musing, as the first skein ended at the second row of trees and I connected the next: this is the color of their car.

I figure when it’s the color they picked to present themselves to the world beyond their windshield, it’s a pretty safe bet they’ll like it.

And then I remember with bemusement the gold minivan of long ago that was the last one on the lot of that model on the last day of the year so the dealer was willing to cut the price to keep from having to pay inventory tax into the next year on it. It was okay enough; we took it. Remember when Chrysler minivans were infamous for bad transmissions? Maybe it wasn’t such a deal.

But a red electric car? That’s not a last-minute Iococaccamobile, that’s a point of pride in taking care of our children’s futures.

Let me speed this thing up a bit, shall I?

A comment at church yesterday by an avid reader that will stay with me, quoting a friend who loved books as much as she did. The friend was, at the time, a young Mormon missionary, and was trying hard to stay close to the Spirit. To go where she could do good. To do what someone out there needed.

The friend’s favorite conversation opener was to ask, What’s your favorite book?

One time, having been taught all her life that G_d knows and cares about us personally, while trying to focus her thoughts in prayer she found herself impulsively asking G_d Himself, What’s Your favorite book?

She felt immediately silly–but also, to her astonishment, an answer.

“Anne of Green Gables.”

Wait. What? Her favorite from her childhood, but. Why would G_d care about that of all things? What? So that was the second question; she really wanted to know.

And the answer and the experience, passed on to her friend Sarah and now to the rest of us, came just as quickly and just as close to her heart:

“Because that is the first book you read that made you want to be a better person.”

I didn’t want my cardiologist to later dismiss it as a two-week buildup of unwashed sweat under the monitor that I was complaining about so I put it in writing the morning after I got it: I was fiercely reacting. There are other adhesives out there, and I said I was mentioning this in case he might put a word out with the manufacturer.

The phone rang this morning.

Why, yes, they had a hypoallergenic one–but it’s fiddly. You have to take it off and recharge it every three days and alternate it between putting it back on vertically vs horizontally and you’ll have to put it back on yourself and change the strips and clean the area off with this but not that but did I want to do that?

Are. You. Kidding. Me.

I went in and the nurse went, Wow. THAT’s red!

Yeah… I told her about the adhesives-allergy test they did at Stanford that flamed on for a month afterwards.

Okay, so: I would also have to recharge the phone every three days.

What phone. Wait–you’re sending me home with a cell phone?!

Preprogrammed, yes, here, let’s walk you through what to do. Power on: a list pops up. Shortness of breath? Fainting? Palpitations? Accidentally pressed button?

Now push ‘Accidentally pressed button,’ she said, since we were just training here.

Richard’s take on it later was that that was a great use for old cells–they don’t have to wonder what phone the patient does or doesn’t have, they don’t have to add an app to yours nor know how to program anything, they just hand you this one ready to go and the company got it cheap.

Which you then mail back to the company along with the monitor when you’re done.

So I have gone from I seriously do not know how I am going to make it through these next two weeks and sleepless nights, to, hey. This is so much better. My skin is still close to raw but the thing it was so angry at is gone.

I cannot begin to tell you what a relief that is.

I’ve been determined to get back to Fillory Yarn to try to run into the woman who helped pick out Rios in a color that seemed moose-y two months ago, especially now that I really had something to show her.

She’d particularly liked the golden brown, and I did, too–and even better after I’d paired it with this darker one. I probably would not have bought the lighter without her definitive opinion that it was The One and my moose would have been much less without it.

So. That group meets on Thursday afternoons and today seemed like a good day to try. (The adhesive in the heart monitor is super itchy. A week from now it is definitely not going to be less itchy and distracting, just go!)

So blame it on the heart monitor, but it got me there.

I saw a long-ago familiar face, exclaimed, Oh, HI! and she welcomed me to sit down next to her.

It wasn’t till she said something about once babysitting my youngest and what was his name? that drew a complete blank from me that I finally asked her to remind me her name again?

LILLY!!! Ohmygosh yes!! She’s one of the people I’ve most missed with the ending of Stitches conferences. It’s been years. And–it’s John.

YES! That was his name! He’d come one year to push me around in a chair.

Then there was the time we were both having our scooters repaired beforehand, at the same place, turns out, going in at different times but with both of us saying what we needed it for and it apparently stuck with the guy: a conference. Of knitters. In the thousands. Who knew.

The thing is that when I came in to pick up mine he was dumbfounded. Was I alright? I had lost so much weight. So quickly. Surely there was something I wasn’t saying, but he wanted to know, and said it again, trying hard to be supportive, was I okay.

(what on earth is he on about)

He said something else and I went, Ohhh. You’re thinking of my friend Lilly not me. Huh. Well she does kind of look like my big sister. (And I am definitely not one to complain about people getting faces mixed up.)

Speaking of which, one woman across the table asked if I could pull the mask down for a moment. I did. She studied my face, and asked, Did you ever go to a little yarn store on such-and-such street in Santa Clara years ago called…

I did!

She’d been sure of it. Yes!

That had to have been a good twenty-five, thirty years earlier. Wow, you’re good. (Somehow I remember that LYSO as being younger… When did we age.)

A great time was had by all, the moose-yarn-finder was thanked, showing off happened all around, a ball of Rios was bought “to pay for my afternoon’s entertainment” and wound up for me, and at last I headed out to try to beat at least some of the rush hour traffic home.

Lilly had reached for her cane first–and spent a quick second staring wondering what on earth–as I laughed that wait, she’d grabbed mine. Our canes even matched. Wood, hand carved.

As she had said several times by then, Great minds!

You’re going to need another skein, I told myself.

What? I’ve got an hour’s worth of work before that hat is finished! I argued back.

You’re going to wish you had.

Well hey if I do run out then I can sit there and stare at my phone like everybody else does.

The cardiologist’s office had asked me to come fifteen minutes early.

There was only one doctor running behind.

Patients came. Patients were seen. Patients left. And then the next round. The nurse I’ve known forever said hi on her way by to, I think, lunch.

I started dreading a little the thought of being called back there mid-row once the decreases got down to the last few dozen stitches: not when you want to have a needle slide out as you jam the thing in your purse.

And then I was opening up my wallet and unzipping the coin part for the thing it’s really there for: the yarn needle, attached to the end from the previous hat. Ends: run in.

I pulled out my phone and read the news.

They finally called me back an hour and a half after I’d arrived. The doctor apologized; I laughed it off, no worries. I finished my hat!

He took his time, as he does with all his patients. Palpitations? Not since being on that med? Good.

So for the next two weeks I’m on a heart monitor for last week’s fall and light headed episode. But, he said: we’ve followed each other a long time. (All of his career at the clinic, and he’s my age. He read my first ECG when I was 32.) You’ve been remarkably stable (he didn’t say, for a lupus patient.) If you went to the hospital with last week’s ECG they would panic and throw all kinds of tests at you you don’t need, and this this this and this are why, so this is just to get it in your record that things are the same as they’ve ever been.

He also said something admiring about the hat but also something about the color that I didn’t quite catch. I didn’t want to fish for compliments by asking him to repeat and I didn’t want him to think I was giving it to him because he’d made it sound like he was asking for it and I didn’t want him to take a color he didn’t like in order to be nice. So it simply came home. A chance missed to deafness–and my trying not to hold him up for whoever was next on his schedule.

Next time I’ll think ahead and be a little more ready. And I will definitely take a second skein.

So much better of a day! And then it got better yet.

In the afternoon I noticed the sign was gone.

In the evening a car went past the window–and we’re almost at the end of the street.

So I did what anyone would do, right? I finished up my conversation with my husband and went outside to pull the recycling and trash bins back in from the curb for the day.

That didn’t do it.

I wasn’t going to knock on the door and interrupt them on their very first day, but I thought creating possibilities not a bad thing.

I came inside, grabbed a pitcher, and walked back out to water the little columnar apple tree out front by hand, a gallon at a time. All those strange 100F+ days this past week, it could use a little extra.

I had just poured the fifth gallon when she came out of the house to get something out of her car.

And that is how I got to exclaim, Welcome to the neighborhood! while introducing myself to the new neighbor.

When we moved in we were young parents; our last child was born a year later, and the couple living in that house had kids in college and made our little ones their adopted grandchildren.

And now there will be a baby in that house, once they do a little work and move in for good next month. I can’t wait to pay it forward and get to see their little one grow up.

Somewhere out there, though, you know there’s a skunk (I once saw one on our welcome mat through the window thankfully just before we were about to open the front door) that heard their dog in garden territory it might well by now consider its own and it was probably thinking, Oh honey I can give you something to bark about.

So many future stories for that house to tell!

The *ECG machine was a total flatline.

The nurse was getting flustered with it, so the patient laughed and assured the nurse that the patient at least was not.

The doctor, a little earlier: Was it a slip first? Or a faint first?

Patient: Slip, then a fall headfirst onto the cold water valve on the shower, missing my eye, then very nearly throwing up once finally getting up with his help, then starting hard to pass out but managed to just make it to the bed to collapse.

Doctor: It doesn’t need stitches, but you do need an ECG and complete bloodwork and thyroid tests. We need to find out why you were fainting.

Thus the ECG machine. A second nurse came in. I made a joke about wearing the wrong shoes–can’t reboot with clogs. Okay. They tried rebooting the machine. Then finally they sent me to cardiology down the street–but first I was to go to CT and get a brain scan. And the lab.

Which is how my husband ended up leaving work early to spend hours with me at the clinic, because no way was I driving. He is my rock.

Thirteen previous concussions?! Knocked out five times? When was the last time you saw neurology? It has been too long, they told me.

Okay, so that’s on the list, too. But enough for today.

I figured all that was one way to get a carry-around project teal-green hat back into my list of ready-to-give-aways. But seriously, life? If you want a stinking green hat, you do know there are easier ways to say so.

*Update 10/9: I typed EKG yesterday when it was an ECG, and if that’s the worst mistake my brain did after that head banging then I’m okay with that. Update 10/11: Oh wait. I was thinking EEG when I corrected away from EKG. The brain is getting there!

(Detail near the top of the river from yesterday’s photo.)

I looked up the hotel confirmation email. I had one hour left to cancel or forfeit. It had to be done. Canceled.

I’ve been dragging my feet on the plane and the car rental. But when you’re waiting to see if the thermometer hits 102 to tell you to run for a strep test–although we’re not there yet–um.

You don’t get on a plane, expose a ton of people, and then bring that to your 93-year-old mom, you just don’t.

I did knit all but the last two stitches of a raptor at the tops of the trees and felt great about getting something useful done.

Years ago, someone I know opened a candy shop near both a university and a high school: target audiences. It did so well she opened a second one in another town.

The guy she hired to run that one was a recent graduate of a top-notch culinary academy, I guess getting in on the ground floor.

This was when political ads were being run warning of a bogeyman–remember when superpredator got smushed into its own single word for awhile? Ie big and black and tall and on illegal drugs that supposedly made him extra strong. After all, the Willie Horton ads had worked for Bush and Dukakis’s candidacy had gone down in flames.

Her employee was a large African-American man.

Her husband was the one who told me of the phone calls–multiple, he reiterated over my stunned disbelief, not just one and not just one person, of people telling them they would not step foot in that second store unless they fired the guy. They had walked in, seen him, and walked right back out.

Instead she offered him a job at the first store and closed the second and made a point of telling that town why. She wasn’t going to be in any way associated with a populace that treated a good man that way and they should be ashamed of themselves.

That was thirty years ago.

Today I was in that town. My audiologist is there, and my hearing aids needed cleaning. Since I have a lot of knitting I want to do on that afghan I brought it with me, carry-around project or not. They warned me it would be awhile, and I knew that, no worries.

So I had a front row seat.

A couple came in. Mid-eighties, easily. He was tall and stooped and walked carefully; she was just as old but more easily mobile. Perfectly coiffed in the kind of hairsprayed upswept curls my grandmother’s generation regularly saw their beauticians for, and perfectly sculpted and tummy-tucked in her skin-tight clothes. She looked seriously about 85 pounds but for the improbably large chest. There is a posh country club nearby and all they needed was the golf cart to complete the look.

He settled down on the couch and she went to the desk. I had started an afghan row with its five dangly balls of yarn.

I finished the row.

Started another one.

Finished it.

Finally, she walked back towards her husband and did a disdainful little yank with her head back towards the young African-American woman who had been trying to help her with all the graciousness one could ever ask for.

There had been others before her who had appointments (including me.) They were going to have to wait.

My friend’s story of long ago came flooding back and I knew I had to do something to show support without putting the young woman on the spot. How do you do this right especially when you know you didn’t hear everything. But I’d seen.

Turns out that technician was the one to bring my finished hearing aids out from the back room two thirds of an afghan row later (and after the couple had left.) The insides had collected water because I’d let it go too long since the last cleaning and that means it takes awhile to dry the electronics safely. So mine took longer.

No worries, truly.

As I put them in I looked at her and asked a little sheepishly, knowing it would be cutting into her work time, Can I show off my moose?

Sure!

I spread the afghan out a bit so she could see and she exclaimed over it and reached to touch that inviting, beautiful wool as I held it so she could. I thanked her; she beamed; she told me, sounding less convinced of it as the words were coming out of her mouth, I could never have the patience for that, while her face started to say maybe I could? I actually want to, no really want to now…

I said, You start off small and work your way up.

Her face! Made me wish I could have taken the time to teach her on the spot.

There’s a yarn store maybe two blocks away; maybe we will have a new knitter soon.

But I loved that the fact that I’m one gave us a means to make each other’s day and, as much as could be done, make up for that earlier experience.

—

(Let me add here that having written most of this earlier and walked away to think about it some more, I’ve reflected on how hard it is to be elderly and stuck being a caretaker, if that was their case. And as someone whose own husband is 15″ taller and quite a bit bigger I know there are limitations on how one would be able to manage. But you just don’t demean others who are trying their best to do right by you. You just don’t. She should have known by now at long last that treating others badly can never make her happier.)

Two wonderful speakers at church today. The second was a man who started off by saying that my husband and I lived in the ward he grew up in in New Hampshire when he was a teenager, and so, he joked, “They have signed a nondisclosure agreement.” Brought down the house.

The first was my Richard.

With a very simple message, quoting from scripture about how dissension and anger are not of G_d: that we can disagree, but it must be with civility. That if we give in to rancor we are failing ourselves and those we’re talking to and G_d himself, who loves us without reservation and to whom we so much owe love by loving His children.

Nobody ever changed their minds by being argued with, he said. Only love changes people for the better.

It was the shortest talk I’ve ever heard him give.

It was all that needed to be said.