With a few edits on the names, this is what I wrote tonight for my expecting niece after being asked to write a memory of her late mom to include her in with the coming of the new baby. Our niece was the other baby who was on the way at the time.

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Dear Jessica,

When we found out we were expecting our first, I sewed a bunch of cute little baby outfits in great anticipation–and then miscarried at 12 weeks.

I gave everything away. It was too painful.

There was a family party, I think it was the next day, and I found myself going to the basement of your mom’s house to get away from it because everybody was being joyful and didn’t they know?! People were acting like it hadn’t happened. Turns out Grandma H had told them not to say anything, thinking with the best of intentions that it would give me a break not to have to think about it.

Uncle Duane followed me down those steps a moment later because he knew exactly what I was going through. He heard me out. He then told me about the baby they’d lost at six months along that I had known nothing about, and twenty-something years later here he was crying quietly as he told me and heard me and was there for me.

When we were expecting again later, I wanted to prepare for my baby, but I couldn’t. I just couldn’t. Eventually we were getting close and I had essentially nothing and knew that was stupid and knew I had to get going but the what-ifs kept stumbling me.

And in that context the local aunts and uncles on Richard’s side decided to throw me a baby shower because this time it was a celebration that we could all freely celebrate (and I needed that kick in the pants to believe that I really was going to get to have this baby. She was almost here!)

So we came, and your mom was there, and I assumed the whole time that it was a shower for the both of us because our due dates were only about a week apart, and yeah it was my first and her third but still.

So after the food and the talking and the preliminaries they started handing me presents.

I kept expecting them to hand some to her, too. It kept not happening.

I finally blurted out, But what about Cheryl?!

Well now there was an awkward moment.

But the reason I tell the story is because I was in awe of how she handled it. She totally deflected anything about herself and said Well but this is your first! She’d been in on the planning of it for me and that was what it was about as far as she was concerned.

She was gracious, she was loving, she was inspiring, she understood exactly where they were coming from and where I was coming from and it left me wanting to be a lot more like her when I grew up.

Love,

Aunt Alison