Tuesday May 02nd 2023, 7:43 pm
Filed under: Food,Life

Dear Whole Foods,

This is how much I wanted fresh sour cherry pie: we drove an hour over twisty, nail-biting mountain roads to Santa Cruz to a nursery that had a single English Morello tree left and set aside for me and then we did that drive in reverse. I cleared out gravel that went a foot deep, left behind by the former owner’s gardening plans. I planted it. I watered it. I rescued it from a huge Japanese beetle invasion by scouring the Internet and then a friend scraped off his barbecue grill for me and I scattered the ash on the beetles at night and watched them fall off dying and turning into fertilizer to put back the leaves they’d stripped off that tree.

And it survived. But fruit was a long way off; it took two years before it actually started growing.

It’s doing great now, thanks for asking, and even in the drought we got ten pounds of those little cherries the last two years, enough to invite friends to help with the picking for their own pies.

And I learned: you really really want to pit every one of those tiny things by hand before you throw them in the freezer for Christmas baking. Trust me, you do. So I spent hours pushing down with all my weight on that pitter to get them to skewer the way they were supposed to skewer: no pit left behind.

There were none. Go me.

Now, I don’t go to your store all that much but I do appreciate how easy it is for my dairy-allergic child to find what she needs there, and so it happened that I had a twinset of your pie shells in the freezer for her. “Palm fruit” rather than palm oil? Give your marketing crew my regards.

Now, one would think that after driving over dangerous Highway 17 to get that tree, planting the tree, taking care of the tree, picking the tree, pitting the cherries, and freezing them in two-pound pre-pied amounts that I would also go to the bother of making my own d*** pie crust, but, today, I did not. My tree is in bloom, there’s more fruit coming soon to make way in the freezer for and heck, I just wanted to taste that goodness again. Badly.

I know that you’re trying to Save The Earth (TM). I know that you don’t want those earthmoving monster trucks to dig any more metal out of this beautiful planet than they have to, or heck, maybe you use recycled Cadillacs, I dunno, but I think that maybe–just maybe–you might want to think about having those aluminum foil pie tins be a little bit thicker.

Because: this is the tricky part, lean in close, I want you to hear me on this one: when you put the filling into that crust, or indeed when you take the culmination of your glorious work out of the oven, the tin underneath isn’t supposed to, indeed for the satisfaction of your customers absolutely cannot, accordion itself in the center and flop over like a dying fish.

Chinette paper plates are far stronger than your attempts at playing heavy metal.

Picture taken before I dropped my phone in the goo charging side down.

10 Comments so far
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Oh my…….but it is one for the memory book.

Comment by Joan 05.02.23 @ 9:13 pm

Oh, dear! I would return the tin, as is, and ask for a refund!

Comment by Anne 05.02.23 @ 9:30 pm

AAUUGGHH!!!!! (said in my best Charlie Brown voice, right after Lucy pulled the football away…) Oh, that’s heartbreaking! All those home-grown cherries, gone splat!!

Comment by Pegi F 05.03.23 @ 2:01 am

Oh nooooooo!

Comment by ccr in MA 05.03.23 @ 5:06 am

Argh! I would have cried for sure. And I’d probably salvage some anyway, figuring hot filing killed any germs. If you attempt again, do you have a cooling rack that fits inside a cookie sheet? Maybe pie pan on top of that set up won’t burn crust?

Comment by DebbieR 05.03.23 @ 7:24 am

Having grown up with an amazing sour cherry tree, I FEEL YOUR PAIN. Probably would have gone with the 5 second rule, added some ice cream (or sorbet for the dairy-free) and dug in! Ugh. So sorry.

Comment by michele 05.03.23 @ 10:01 am

Oh noooo! I would have cried.

Please print this and send it to them – they need to know your pain. If you can find the address, send it to the secretary of their board. It should go to the next board meeting as correspondence.
I’m so sorry 🙁

Comment by Chris+S+in+Canada 05.03.23 @ 10:12 am

Yikes, that is heartbreaking. I would for sure agree with Michelle about the 5 second rule. I hope you scooped and enjoyed.

Comment by Miki 05.04.23 @ 9:34 am


Comment by Afton 05.05.23 @ 8:13 am

Oh no! what a shame!

Comment by LauraN 05.08.23 @ 8:01 pm

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