The waiting room
Friday January 10th 2014, 11:31 pm
Filed under: Knit,Lupus,Wildlife

Feathers fluffed against the chill, relaxed.

Yet again debating whether to say anything quite yet. It was December 16th that I was given the first heads-up that something was off–but possibly not much. You’d better go. (Make up your mind.)

I waited this afternoon for the time to hurry up and finally finally get here, trying to knit my way to calm, finding the last hours to be the longest.

I glanced up and to my surprise, there just outside was Coopernicus perched on the big pot my extra-dwarf cherry tree is planted in, facing me.

I finished a 400+ stitch row, a small bright growing bird’s nest in my hands in the cheering color (thank you Lisa Souza) of a bright summer sky, and looked up again.

There he remained, steady and firm, watching over me. It was very moving. He didn’t mind my taking his picture, whereas in years earlier he would have objected to a black object being raised near my head and pointing at him. I moved around the room, trying to get past the effects of the double-paned glass. His face turned to follow my gaze.

I smiled and went back to my project, determined to make visible progress.

Another row. More photos.

Another row. And at that I let him be. I emailed a friend to say how grateful I was that he’d been there easily an hour now in raptor attentiveness–and hitting send, I looked up, and at the suddenly empty space wished I’d seen him go but was glad for what was.

And with that I went off to meet the doctor who did a bone marrow biopsy on my daughter ten or twelve years ago.

He asked after her. He was thrilled at being handed that printout of her dissertation. I was thrilled at seeing the Johns Hopkins plaque on his wall–how perfect was that?

He was a dear. Did this have anything to do with the Graves’ diagnosis last week, I asked him? No. But so this is probably nothing, right?

He looked me steadily and gently with a long-practiced eye at this sort of thing and answered, We do not know that yet.

More tests were done. Another will have to be done at the hospital. And soon we will have answers.

And then, coming out of there, I ran into a favorite teacher all my kids had in high school and seeing each other in that department, there was no need to dance around reality. I was in the testing phase. She, not so much. It was a relief to her to be able to ask after each of my kids, to celebrate with me where they’ve gone on in their lives since she’s seen them, to hear me brag to the nurse who showed to take her back to her appointment that my kids got to have her as their teacher. Just the best.

She got a break from it all in those moments. And I knew the words to come for me might be much gentler than the ones familiar to her by now. But we shall see.

6 Comments so far
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Wonderful writing. Strong prayers for y’all. Maybe the raptor is your petronus and you don’t know it?

Comment by Margo Lynn 01.11.14 @ 6:34 am

I do so hope it is nothing, and the gentle words are all relief. Coopernicus is so beautiful.

Comment by DebbieR 01.11.14 @ 8:01 am

There was an extra note with your name on it today. I think you know where it’s located.

Comment by Afton 01.11.14 @ 8:37 am


Comment by Bev 01.11.14 @ 9:09 am

Your hawk is beautiful. I’m glad he came to check on you. We’ll be waiting and praying with you.

Comment by Channon 01.11.14 @ 5:51 pm

I love Margo Lynn’s thought that Coopernicus is your patronus. Or maybe you are his.

Either way, loving and positive energy flowing to you from me.

Comment by twinsetellen 01.12.14 @ 8:33 pm

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